I have been so attached to being single that it has become part of my personality; being "alone" (in no sense but the romantic, but still) is as natural for me as the feeling of my feet in the heeled boots that I wear every day. I've coasted through casual hookups, led men on, been a generally snakey person, and loved it. The last time I had a boyfriend was in high school, five years ago.
You know all this, because I told you, without mask or reservation, as we lay together on your ridiculous endearing floor mattress (the fault of the stairs to your loft room) at three in the morning needing to sleep but refusing to stop talking to each other.
I don't understand this but somehow I don't have to. It makes sense without scrutiny or explanation or picking apart every detail the way I've been so accustomed to for as long as I can remember. I get off the train and there you are grinning at me like you're a six year old on Christmas, and my hamster-wheel brain exhales.
The first time we kissed-- not even two weeks ago, how on earth-- you shook, palpably, and when I leaned my head on your chest your heart was racing, and I wanted to sink into you and stay there.
So many guys-- some wonderful, some womanizing, some who wanted to show me off and some who wrote me love letters-- have tried to claim me and I never let myself be caught but--
But you tell me that you want to know everything about me. You see the totally weird, manic, neurotic, full-of-energy-but-vindictive-but-effervescent-but-vain human being (human being? maybe no longer robot?) that's in there inside of the pretty blonde first impression, and you not only see her but you seem to really, really like her.
And that kind of blows my mind.
I don't know if you'll ever read this and I don't know how long this improbable magnetism between us will last but you've made my heart feel like the house in Up (thanks for showing me that movie, by the way; it's fantastic) and I just really wanted to thank you for that.
So. Thank you. Times ten million. I can't wait to see you again.