I ask myself why I make no effort to make plans with you. Why I make no effort to initiate a scenario in which we would see each other.

I suppose there are several reasons. Making the effort would clue you in to the fact that I care. Which would be fine, if I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you also care, but I don't, so I have to make sure that you have no idea how I feel about you. That's how I protect myself. Can't let anyone know that you have any affect on me whatsoever.

The other reason is that I am Terrified™ to spend time with you alone. Absolutely terrified. I need a third party to act like a buffer or I know for a fact I will immediately have a lowkey anxiety attack and I will totally shut down and not be myself at all. I will become overly defensive and protective and will be alarmed by things you do that I usually love. Like touching me. Without that buffer, my dumbass brain will read it as a threat. I know it. It's happened before.

I miss you so much but all I can do is wait patiently for the next time the stars align and a third party brings us together again. I hope it's soon.


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