I want so badly to go cry to you. To tell you how much I miss you and how much I want you to be here. That it hurts so fucking much to not have you here. But I can't. You can't be the one I go to anymore. At least not for a long while. You're the one I'm supposed to be taking a break from. I can't rely on when you're supposed to be out of my life right now.
I hate thinking about you with someone else. I wanted you to be the one. But after all that's happened I think deep down I know you aren't. There are people out there for us. People who we can love fully and people who will love us back wholly. And I think that's the only peace of mind I have saving me from going insane. To think that you can truly love someone. Even though I wasn't the one. Even though I wanted to be that person for you. But it didn't work out. It's not that we were bad people but things just didn't work out. And I guess it's for the better. Because now you have the chance to love someone in the way I wanted you to love me. And I could have someone to love me back. I don't want to deprive you of that as much as I want you to be the one.
It would have been one thing if you had said that you didn't feel comfortable or ready yet. But that's not what it was. You didn't want to say it back because you didn't want to lie. That's a whole 'nother story. One that really hurts. One I'm still trying to accept. And as much as I've tried to convince myself that I'm okay... there are so many times I want to completely break down.
What is this?
It was for him but he's just another guy I probably will never see again. You can have it.
Thanks...why are you being so nice to me?
Because. You should treat people the way you want to be treated. And being different, I'll have to treat everyone the same as I want to be treated.
I took a bite and nod and started a new one. I stopped and put my head on your shoulder. I looked to see if you would react and you didn't.
I was a pusher.
That was the freckly joka
Goodness gracious. What a bind I put myself into when I was younger.
Truly, down hill from there.
Guess I wasn't ever good at keeping my word.
“What if I don’t?”
The more I think about it, the more confused I get by what you meant when you said that..
Or if you meant it at all..
I just don’t know.
I’m trying to not make a big deal of what happened that night. I’ve kept it to myself for a reason. No one knows.
But really, it won’t leave my mind.
All of those kisses..
That moment of intensity I felt right before, even with my eyes closed.
It feels like the first time.. every time.
But yet, I’m also afraid it’s going to be the last.
Do you really want that?
Or are you just so afraid of starting over?
I just know, your worth it.
Whatever the risk.
I miss the way we used to be.
I pretend like everything is okay every time I see you but it fucking hurts.
why is it so hard to get over someone
You smell better this time.
The last time you were here? You smelt like wet dog.
You've never been here when I'm here.
Are you flirting with me?
I ain't no queer.
Wow. You definitely aren't him.
What does that mean?
He would never say something like that.
The guy that I thought you were.
Do you want one?
Why are you being nice to me?
Because it's the right thing to do.
Oh lordy. If only I knew who you are.
Which one it was.
The anticipation of never knowing.
It's truly a killa.
I'm not sure why I get my hopes up, anytime you message me and say you want to meet up and chat about something, or want to go take a smoke break, etc.
Inevitably, it's never just you and me, but rather a bunch of your friends along for the ride.
I'm not possessive, and in a sense, I do feel it's vaguely selfish of me. Really, I shouldn't have any expectations... certainly not anymore, from what I can gather.
Maybe there are even reasons you don't want to be alone with me. I don't honestly know, and that's not my place to judge or question.
Regardless, I can't help but feel disappointed every time what comes across as a potential "you and me" moment turns out to be anything but.
You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now.