Ok, so bear with me a minute here..
I’m super insecure about my looks. I think I have a cute face with nice eyes and pretty hair, but my body is the heaviest it’s ever been and is disproportionate in areas. I have bunches of stretch marks, and patches of hair where hair doesn’t typically grow on women. I have a very oily complexion. And, I’m almost 30 and I have braces. Plenty for any lady to feel self-conscious about, if one is as sensitive as I am and has dealt with being uncomfortable in their own skin for as long as I have.
But you know what’s crazy?
There’s this man. A man who has some great physical qualities but whom society would ultimately deem unattractive, just like me. And some way, somehow, this man fell head over heels for me the night we met. Since day one, this man has treated me like I’ve always dreamed of being treated, but never thought I would because I was starting to believe there was no man that amazing out there for me. This man whom my weary heart resisted for so long for fear of being hurt again, only to have love for him awakened like the blossoming of the most beautiful flower.
This man is now my significant other, and the love of my life.
At my most insecure, someone managed to fall in love with me who genuinely thinks I’m beautiful. Who makes me feel genuinely beautiful. He puts the stars in my sky. It’s a love that feels new and fresh like the smell after a rainshower, while also feeling old and comfortable like your favorite sleep clothes.
And I think that if I can find that without even looking for it, others can too. Don’t lose hope.
All I can do is put my perfume in the books I give you with high hopes that you begin to see me as a beautiful fantasy, like one that might unfold on the pages.
To be honest, I don't really know if I like you or not, or anyone. I don't really obsess about you or think about you constantly like previous crushes, I just feel really good when I'm around you. Watching you smile or laugh makes everything feel nice and simple. It just feels very nice. :)
That's the thing about supressing your feelings. You don't even realize what you're doing- until it's 2 PM on a Thursday, and the sound of the faucet makes you cry.
We may push down the pain. But it still finds a way to reveal itself... shouting "I'm tired of suffering in silence."
But then we turn the faucet off. And we go about our day.
We should listen to ourselves more often.
You're the first person I've ever had that spark with.
I'm a little awkward, a lot insecure. Not a lot of people fit into all my edges and grooves on the first try - most have to patiently wear a nook into my side, and bless them for taking the time to do so.
But you. You fit into my heart from the first smile you gave me, so perfectly it was like we were made for each other. You lit up every hollow in this broken heart, and I'm scared of the shadows that'll return if - when - you leave.
Whatever it is you want I hope you go after it & get it. I'd like to live braver and more free, but know i'll never have your lion heart. I have nothing but respect for you and true affection. I wish you well in everything you do.
It’s funny looking back. I remember telling my mom “it’s just a small crush, it won’t turn in to anything more.” I have never been more wrong in my life.
I remember I read once that whenever you’re feeling sad or anxious or angry, that you should picture a place that makes you feel calm. And then focus on the sensations you imagine yourself feeling in that place.
In my mind I’m driving down a long, country road. Bright blue skies meet bright green fields. I’m driving fast blaring music, the wind blowing my hair back and forth across my face. I have no destination, no need to have a place to go or things to do. And as I’m driving I come across a field of flowers, a field that expands so far you aren’t really sure where it begins or ends. I stop my car, get out and slam the door, run across the street and straight into the field. I slam my body down, but it doesn’t hurt, the flowers in my mind aid me. Embrace me like I fit perfectly there. I feel the flowers surround my body, blue green yellow orange. I don’t want to miss their beauty but I dare myself to close my eyes and feel the world around me. The sun is so hot, it breathes warmth back into me. The wind tickles me and I can’t help but laugh. The smell of nectar reaches my nose and fills my lungs with its sweetness. The birds sing sweet lullabies and lull my mind to sleep. The earth grounds me and I feel found.
Over the years I always pictured myself alone in this imagination. It didn’t make me sad but somehow it didn’t feel right either. So I went searching for the absence, searching for something that would fulfill this ache inside. Maybe you were always there, maybe I just wasn’t willing to admit my need.
I close my eyes once more... I look over and there you are, turning the volume up and smiling at me. Reaching a hand out and brushing my hair behind my ear. I stop the car, get out and slam the door. I see you grab the keys I forgot and you’re racing right behind me. I slam to the ground and you ease yourself down beside me.
My eyes close, the sun the wind the smell the birds the earth ...
the feel of your hand grasping mine and the noise of your voice whispering “I love you I love you I love you”.
logical brain: you cannot make someone like you. don't try.
love brain: hmthmd act aloouf to look more mysterieouss