I'm sorry to the the old Shelby who sanded down all her sharp edges to be more palatable. The Shelby who only knew how to identify as shy, sweet, and submissive. Whose words always got drowned out by a chatter of misplaced intentions and suppression. Whose best parts were hidden under "Why don't you have anything to say?" And "You never talk, you're so quiet." Because it was easier to be silent than it was to speak out and make a scene about disagreeing. I'm sorry that I didn't know how to pull you up. I'm sorry that I actually let you believe you had to be the "Yeah, you treated me like trash and ignored me for months of my life, but don't worry honey I endlessly support you" girl. I'm sorry you had rational emotions, let them show, and then I made you apologize for them. I'm sorry for all the late night apology messages you tried to send to people who left. I'm sorry that I bent your arm backwards until you felt ashamed about anything that made you untraditional. I'm sorry that I made you afraid of losing the cool, supportive female friend image, that you took being degraded more than you took being appreciated. And I'm sorry I had love, acceptance, and body positivity for everyone but you. But I'm not sorry for finally drawing a gun to you. I'm not sorry for burying the girl who didn't know any better and paid for it, because I wouldn't have what I have now RIP to what you were, but forever hopeful for what I've become ❤

To all the letters written to your former self: it's important.

You're allowed to have bad days. You're allowed to be in a bad mood. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be irrational. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to feel hurt. You're allowed to feel things, good and bad. You're allowed to hold an unpopular opinion. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're allowed to fail. You're allowed to feel jealous. You're allowed to feel lonely. You're allowed to want to be loved. You're allowed to want to give love. You're allowed to feel heartbroken. Don't ever let people try to tell you what you should and shouldn't feel. Go through the motions, feel the things you're trying to avoid, give it some time, let it go, then pick yourself back up. Don't give up. Repeat.

Love and hugs to all of you. Tomorrow is Friday. Hang in there!


I'm a girl, and when I told my mom about my girlfriend, I said

"I didn't know I liked girls. She's just special."

She said "That's how it works. You love whoever you love. You don't get to choose or change that." 

Really fell in love with the idea of us

To my nonexistent crush,

I want to dance with you, to a playlist I made specifically for us - filled with the music we both listen to, you probably don't listen to some, and neither do I, but hey you're my dancing partner tonight.

Afterwards I want to curl up under the covers and netflix with you, and I truly mean netflix with you, not netflix and chill, but netflix because you and I watch a crap ton of movies and tv shows and I want to share my findings with you.

And I want you to kiss me like crazy, whenever you want, and I'll do whatever you want to do - as long as it's, well, under control ha. I'll even be the big spoon for you.



Legend says that when you can't get to sleep, it's because you're awake in somebody else's dream. I am so sorry for all the sleepless nights I've caused you dude.

I was too busy writing you novels, when you only needed three words.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to figure that out sooner.

even though this is called letters to crushes, i feel like it's more of letters to loved ones. it's so full of love of all sorts, painful or joyful. empty or bursting with emotions. i love it and i love you all

I enjoyed watching you watch the eclipse-- uh, I mean.. I enjoyed watching the eclipse with you..

So I guess that's it. I'm never gonna go on a date with you or sit in the front seat while you drive and we sing James Blunt at the top of our lungs. I'm never gonna cuddle up to you on a sofa watching those romantic comedies i love. I'm never gonna fly on an airplane with you, holding your hand tightly as we ascend. I'm never gonna text you love hearts at the end of each text and receive kisses in return. I'm never gonna walk down the aisle and meet you at the altar. I'm never gonna plan your surprise birthday party and invite our family and friends.

We will never kiss. ill never kiss you and hug you before you go to work. I'll never sit in the library with you whilst we study our respective fields.

It all amounted to nothing. I see a range of things every couple does and used to think, 'that'll be us someday'.

And now, all I see is 'that could never be us, ever'. And I can't get myself to ever accept that

But I know I'll have to.