I want to tell you that I like you so bad. You're so unlike any of the other guys that I've had things with or crushes on. You're unbelievably smart, and so sweet, and a little bit awkward, and even though you're soft-spoken I know just how funny and sassy you can be once you come out of your shell, and all I want to do is learn everything about you. I've never been so infatuated with anyone like you; I know that you've never had a relationship and you're kinda shy and I probably have to make the first move. My best friend swears that you like me, but the more I start to like you the more vulnerable I become and the more unsure and nervous I am about opening up to you. But I love having conversations with you about literally anything, and I love seeing your smile and your eyes and your dumb messy hair. And everything you do is cute, even when it shouldn't be: cooking, baking, playing the bagpipes, juggling, chemistry, puzzles, making memes, running marathons. You're the only person that could convince me to leave the dorm at 3 am to go sledding with a group of dudes I've never met, because I know i'm safe with you. You're the only person I would stay up late before my 8 ams to finish watching stranger things with you, or harry potter movies, or the lord of the rings, or some stupid nerdy card game that I don't even get how to play. I've started going to church and bible study again partly because you're so devout and you've convinced me. You have no idea just how wonderful you are to me, absolutely no idea.

And I want to tell you everything. I want to get hot chocolate with you, and go sledding with you, and have snowball fights, and run marathons, and do chemistry studying, and have you teach me juggling and me teach you sign language, and all the little things that we already do, but I want to be more than what we are. You have no idea how close I was to just being honest a few nights ago, when it was just us watching bird videos at like 1 am in the study room. Every time I caught your eyes I stopped thinking about anything else but just spilling everything out. I like you so much, and I have for a while but I don't think I've known it until now. And you're so good, just so pure and kind and genuine, more than anyone I've ever come across. Even when you're anxious or frustrated or grumpy and sleep deprived, you still are so kind and warm-hearted. I'm scared that i'm not pure or honest or godly enough for you, and I'm so scared that you won't like me back, or that someone better will come along and get you, because you really deserve the best.

I want to hug you so bad, I just want to hold you and know that you're mine. I want to talk to you so badly, and I've almost worked up the courage to, I promise. I just don't know how. You're so important to me and if I screw this up I lose one of the greatest friends I've ever gotten to know, even though we just met about 5 months ago. I thought you were going to kiss me, that night when we were alone. I really wished you had. I wished I had kissed you. Or even hugged you, or held your hand. I gave you a pat on your shoulder because I had to touch you, I just had to, but I didn't know if you'd like me. I still don't know. I really hope you do.

And I hope that if you don't, that it's not weird and we can still be friends. I just don't want to lose you, and I would hate to not ever know if we could have been something more.

I need to stop being a baby. I promise I'll tell you soon.

I love you.

I pray everyday that you are surrounded by loving, caring people, that you always do your best to take care of yourself, that you remain compassionate and patient, and that you are happy.

And I now know that people like you exist in this world and that gives me so much hope.

There's nothing quite like the blue glow of stage lights or a movie screen illuminating the slopes of the face of the person next to you,

nothing quite like the space, so close, taught with the tension of two people focused on a couple inches of nothing between knees,

nothing like indigo, gleaming lashes over eyes, accented by a flash of white glare, the shadow of a nose, a violet jawline,

nothing like the strained intent of staring dead ahead, focusing on the plot, on the dialogue, fixating, fixating on anything but the body, person, heart in the seat next door,

nothing like the buzz between shoulders, closer than knees, even centimeters maybe, energy reaching out, buzzing, fizzing, buzzing, but it's

nothing, it has to be nothing,

there's nothing quite like the something that's nothing yet.

I just really love him. I just really do. And he loves me, too.

21-year-old me: No first kiss. No prom date. No boyfriend.

Little did I know in that 21st year of life, love would find me. And three years later- here we are. He's my person. Soul mate. I dreamt of him for 21-years. And he found me.

Don't give up on love. Don't settle just because you're feeling lonely. Wait for the real thing, sunshine. I promise you- it's worth it.

Sending hugs to your heart.

I don't want to fall in love with what I've created him to be. I want to fall in love with him. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more.

i'm still looking for pieces of you in other people.

i didnt get closure.


I felt your presence behind me. I got the chills and goosebumps all over, and then I heard your chuckle. God, how I've missed that sound. I turned around and there you were. You were perfect. I got to spend a few more minutes with you before I woke up, and realized it had all been a dream. I am you eternally thankful for one last hug and one last laugh.

Know that I still love you, and I always will.

Rest in peace.



but i'll probably sleep during uni lecture lol.

I don't think I'll ever meet with you again, because the universe hasn't wanted it up until now, but hey, if I ever do, would you have a coffee with me, and maybe catch up..?

I want you. I want your late night talks and your early morning yawns. I want to be the one you tell your heart to, the one you go to when you’re feeling down. I want to be your encourager. I want to hype you up, boost your self-esteem, tell you that you’re handsome. I want your mistakes and your faults. I want your flaws and your weaknesses. I want to show love to you when you don’t feel like showing love to yourself. If you fall, I want to be the one to pick you back up. I want your good and your bad. I want your joys and your sorrows. I want to be the one you talk about your plans with and all the dreams of your heart. I want to be the one who rubs your back when you’re stressed or to read you poetry and lull you to sleep. I want to be the one sitting in the passenger seat singing along to Chicken Fried at the top of our lungs. I want to be the one you send your favorite music to. I want to be your first thoughts in the mornings, and the one you dream about. I want to wipe away your tears. I want to hold you in my arms when you’re broken-hearted and I want to hold you together when you’re falling apart. I want to be the one you’re not afraid to double text because you know I always love hearing from you. I want to be the one you can give your weird conversations to. I want to be a source of your smiles. I want to be your thoughts when it’s 7am and you’re still waking up or when it’s 2pm and you’re doing something. I want to be your best friend. I want to be your partner in crime. I want to be the one you go to when you want advice. I want to be the person you want to hang out with every Friday night. I want to be your comforter, your safety net, your voice of wisdom, your second opinion, your bad joke dispenser. I want to be the one you are comfortable with. I want every side of you. I want your messes, I want your struggles, I want your descriptions of your day (even if it’s the same day over and over again). I want to be the one to help you shoulder your burdens. I want to be the one you go through life with. I want to be the one you love.