To the first love of my life,
I was brokenhearted when I Iearned you died last Wednesday.
I fell apart yesterday when I accompanied you to your final resting place.
And I became shredded as I told my best friend how I never got to tell you how much I loved you, and how long I've loved you. To think that it was sheer chance that put me in your science class just over 25 years ago, and happenstance that we would be together 3 more times since then.
You noticed I wasn't like the other students when I let you listen to my demo tape. Just something I did for fun. You were impressed that I knew my way around a music studio. I learned about your love for music that day, and that made me respect you even more. I think that helped us have a closer relationship, all things considered since we were student and teacher at the time.
I fell in love with you in my final semester. Grade 13 Chemistry. But I was just a kid to you. I kept my feelings quiet. Forward a year or so later, and I started to visit you just before the end of the school day. I'll never forget how your eyes lit up and how your smile went from ear to ear. You made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Seeing you made my heart smile. It was nice to connect and keep in touch with you after I had graduated.
And even beyond. We had been a part of each other's weddings. You came to a few of my birthday parties. I came to a few of your gatherings. The Halloween party I had at my house where I sat on your lap with a couple of our friends, taking pictures. You didn't react, you just let me.
...and I'll never forget that night in May, back in 2009. We were sitting in your dining room, talking with some of your other former students. I happened to sit beside you. She had put your son to bed and decided to retire for the night. He didn't want to come with me to your party. On a whim I let my leg touch yours, the full length, under the table. You didn't seem to mind; in fact, you didn't even flinch or move at all. We stayed that way for a good part of the rest of that night, chatting and laughing with others, while, unbeknownst to them, we had our own little secret going. I think it was that night we both knew how we felt for one another.
Then our marriages fell apart about a year later. We had lunch. We talked about what happened, but without going into too much detail. I longed to ask you out, but knowing myself, I was too broken. You were too perfect. I was too scared. Maybe you were too? So I let it go. Looking back now, I wish I took the risk. But I was also worried about ruining our friendship.
Eventually I did work on myself, and life got better for me. But yet I was still too scared to ask you. I don't know why. I guess I felt that you were out of reach. You were off in your own world and I was in mine. In time I found someone who swept me off my feet, and you faded into the background.
...but not completely. We still kept in touch as friends. You even invited me to another party not too long after he and I moved in together. You two met, and you seem to like each other (he liked you very much). I remember you walking past me. You looked at me and for that one second it felt like no one was around; it was just you and me. You scratched the top of my head affectionately. My heart melted.
The last time we were together was at my 40th, last November. I had been prepared to cancel because I was so tired. I was getting sick and I could feel it. Socializing was the last thing on my mind. If anything, the thought of seeing my friends made me fearful and want to cry. But I'm glad I didn't. You coming partway through the night unannounced made my heart stop. I was so happy that you came. Everyone who mattered, and everyone that felt I truly mattered were there. Especially you. It was my best celebration ever.
I don't know how you felt, and I wish we could have talked about it, when a couple of weeks later I told you he proposed and I said yes. I knew you were happy for us, and I know you knew I was ecstatic. But at the same time I couldn't help but feel sad. Sad for you, sad for me and sad for us never being. I wonder if there was a part of you that fell apart because I was marrying someone else, instead of being with you. As much as I love him, there's a small part of me that feels the loss of us never happening.
And then when our friend told me that you died last week. My world stopped. My heart broke and a piece of me died that day. I thought I couldn't feel worse after my grandmother died two years ago, and your death did it for me. Everything came back. Everything I felt. Everything I still feel. I realize now that I really did, and still do, love you. I don't know if I will get over that, if I will ever get over you. While I am very much in love with him, and we are happy, you are special because you were (I realize this now), my actual first love.
I wish I could have said more than our legs touching under the table. I hope it was enough but sometimes I think I should have told you that I was, am and forever will be in love with you.
Until we meet again, mi amore. You remain alive in my heart for now and always.
its amazing how at one point you dont notice someone but once they've piqued your interest, you see them all the time. like your eyes differentiate between them and other people and you start subconciously looking for them
Wait for the one who looks out for you when YOU don't look out for you.
He'll insist that you take his jacket after you're fishing and fall into the river, even when you promise him that you'll be fine. "EM. You're gonna get sick. Just take my coat, please?" His voice gets softer on the "please", and so you accept it. You start crying, and even though it's partially because you're so cold, it's also because no one has ever cared about you this way. You're both standing in the middle of the river and he gives you a big hug and kisses your wet face and doesn't leave your side until you've caught a big fish.
He'll make chicken noodle soup for dinner and make sure you get enough to eat. As you're laying in bed, his hand is on the part of your lower tummy that you used to be self-conscious about. Instead of being embarrassed, though, you've come to love it the way that he does.
As you're grocery shopping with him, you see a person who sexually assaulted you sophomore year. You start to panic and go into the next aisle and tell him everything. He grabs your hand and walks right next to you all the way to checkout, but before he lets go, he gives your hand a little squeeze and you feel brave.
You're wondering why you ever put up with less.
You are not a product. Your worth is not measured in your activities, future or past. You are not a single project, reaction, idea. You are so much more.
You are a person. You are beautiful and full of emotions and alive. Let these feelings flow in and out like clouds passing in the sky. You're made of smiles and books and meals and walks outside. You are the gentlest touch and the most passionate voice. You're endless possibility and full of compassion.
Love, you are more than this. You will get through this. I believe in you. I encourage you to ask for help, build your mental tools, seek comfort, take your time, and know that you are absolutely incredible. It's going to be okay.
I hate alarm clocks, I always have. But now when your alarm clock goes off in the morning it means I get 20 minutes of cuddles before you get up to go to work...and suddenly I find myself hating your alarm clock less....
If only I could get some more time with you in this lifetime. Thanks for that little part of my life that I shared with you. It will always hold special place in my heart.
I think you're made up of constellations and I've long dreamt of touching the stars.
I wrote a letter that got over 600 likes on here 5 years ago when I would obsessively come on here, secretly hoping I would find a letter from my crush. So, I wrote one for myself. I pretended I was him, I pretended he noticed me in class, noticed all of my quirks, I pretended I was worthy of his attention and of love in general. The letter was a sham.
I have not been on here since I left high school. I no longer recognise the girl that wrote a love letter to herself but I am still exactly the same person she described. I still read Salinger and use chopsticks to eat everything.
I moved out of my small town, gained confidence, got a modelling contract and am an honours student. Suddenly, the men in my life were saying the words I typed out for myself years ago. I have always been worthy of love, I have always noticed my quirks, I have always been beautiful and smart, the world just finally kept up.
My crush from 5 years ago came out as gay 2 weeks ago and he is as beautiful as ever.
Life had a better plot than any of my fantasies.
You didn't know the depth of my love and that's okay. You don't want me anymore and that's okay. I might always love you and that is also okay.
I hope for the best for both of us.